What the heck just happened? – Managing you before managing conflict.

You wander out of the last meeting of the day, pause, look around, and smile. A thought crosses your mind that this has been a great day. The meetings were outcome-focused, clients were well-behaved, and its payday. It doesn’t get much better than this.

Your internal reflection is suddenly snapped closed, when you notice a team member approaching you. They don’t seem happy. Within seconds, the team member has outlined their complaint and is now talking to you in a raised voice, eyes bulging and veins sticking out of their forehead.

Then suddenly you realise that you are doing the same thing. What the heck just happened? Conflict can creep up on all of us, and sometimes, we don’t realise it happened until it is over.

Conflict is defined as a difference of interests, understandings, values, styles, or opinions. It is surprising that we aren’t in conflict all the time! Within an organisation, conflict can be a good thing. It is an opportunity to challenge long-held thoughts, processes, and ideas. Although most of the time, conflict is seen as something to be avoided.

This article investigates strategies to deal with conflict that are not usually utilised. These are strategies that you can put in place straight away and get massive results instantly. They are about getting leaders in the right mind space to deal with conflict in the most effective and efficient way. But first, it’s your turn to do some work…

Know you are in conflict

Go back to a time when you were in conflict… Now think about what happened to you when you were in this conflict situation. Did your heart rate go up? Did your temperature rise? Start feeling your pulse in your forehead? Were your hands on your hips? Were you raising your voice? What pictures were in your head? What were you saying to yourself?

Good… now you know when you are in conflict. All of us do, say, and feel certain things when we move towards being in conflict. When we become consciously aware of this, it allows us to control our state and manage the situation much better. I understand that this sounds ridiculous, but how many times have you been through a conflict situation where afterwards you thought you could have handled it MUCH better? This is why it is essential that you become aware of your conflict state.

The second question is how would you like to act instead? How would you like to feel? What sort of emotional state would be the best to adopt? Think of as many details as you can. Now, when you become aware that you are moving towards your conflict state, think about these positive characteristics and do this instead. As simplistic as this is, watch how effective it is when you are next in a situation where you used to respond in an aggressive or more emotional way.

We all know someone who seems to be cool and calm in a crisis. This isn’t an ability they naturally have or is sewn into their DNA; it is something they have learned. The best thing is that if it is a learned behaviour, then you can learn it as well. The way you react in ANY situation is actually your choice. The decision is how you will choose to react.

It is not about you

Remember the old children’s saying… “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” As strange as it may seem, it is also a golden rule in dealing with conflict. If you do nothing recommended in this article except this, then you are going to significantly increase your ability to deal with conflict.

No matter how angry the person in front of you is, they are not angry with you; they are angry at the situation. Once you truly get this, you are suddenly in a position where you can objectively and skilfully deal with the conflict situation.

If you become angry in any situation, it simply indicates that you have taken whatever is being said or done personally. If the person you are in conflict with starts saying personal comments about you (or your mom!), then remember the following things:

• Why do you care what this person thinks of you? They are only words, and you are stronger than to react with negative emotion. This doesn’t mean that you should have to accept personal insults. Just remain calm and use the next tip.
• Move the conversation away from personal comments, in a calm, controlled voice, use the following statement (or something like it):
  • “I am willing to assist you to resolve your complaint, although I am not willing to accept personal insult. If you choose to continue, then I will have to cease this conversation and refer you to my supervisor.” If the personal attacks continue… simply say.
  • “Thank you for the opportunity to discuss this issue with you. You have chosen to continue personally attacking me; I will hand this issue to my supervisor.”

This may sound extreme, but you will get nowhere with a person that has the intent of personally attacking you.

Remember, managing conflict starts with you. When you investigate people who are talented at managing conflict, you will find they are masters at managing their own emotions first. In the next edition, we’ll delve into more strategies to deal with conflict.

Ian Crawford | Leadership Development & Influence Expert

Ian’s extensive experience and varied background enrich his role as a facilitator. He began his career as a physical education teacher, with teaching and coaching stints in the United Kingdom, France, Spain, and Canada. His proficiency covers a range of sports, such as soccer, shooting, archery, and abseiling.

Upon his return to Perth, Ian shifted his focus to organisational consulting, working across Australia, Botswana, Lesotho, Malaysia, and India. He specializes in guiding groups to become sustainable, high-performing teams. If you would like to read more about Ian and his workshop on Essemy click this link.