Talking About vs. Talking To: How a Lack of Open Feedback and Dialogue Can Impact Mental Health in the Workplace

As a child, I attended a very small primary school in country Victoria, in an equally small town called Murrabit. The total number of students attending the school at the time was around 85 – and in my year level, there were fewer than 20 kids (and only five of them were girls).

When it came to making friends, there wasn’t a lot of choice, and the need to ‘fit in’ was a daily struggle. I recall the girls in my class (and probably me too) choosing a different kid to exclude from their group each day… for no particular reason… and sometimes it would be me. I would arrive at school and, upon finding my friends, would be told, “We’re not playing with you today.”

The Consequences of Being Left Out Without Explanation

I would be left trying to find kids from another year level to play with or spending the day on my own. These were always the longest and loneliest days where I would wonder what I’d said or done that had put me on the outside.

On the days where I was allowed to play with the other girls, it seemed someone else was excluded. I remember the conversations being centred around the girl who wasn’t there. They would pick on the clothes she wore, how she styled her hair, the way she talked, what she had packed in her lunchbox, and anything else they could come up with – and it was all to justify why that person was ‘left out’.

Never did the girls offer feedback to the kid being excluded – there was always an implied assumption that they should just know. All in all, it was a pointless and mean-spirited discussion that did nothing more than erode everyone’s self-confidence.

How Childhood Patterns of Avoidance Continue Into Adulthood

Kids can be cruel…any parent who’s watched their kids play long enough can attest to that…their torment is felt deeply, in the moment, and carried through life, defining who they become…but kids are kids right!

Well, the problem with kids who opt for ‘talking about you’ rather than ‘talking to you’ is they grow into adults who do the same. Adults who engaged in these kinds of exclusionary conversations in their childhood may continue to ‘talk about’ others today. Conversely, adults who were ‘excluded’ may still think people are talking about them. A simple sideways glance from someone across the room can be enough to trigger the memories of isolation and torment.

Talking About Instead of Talking To in the Workplace

In the workplace, when employees ‘talk about’ instead of ‘talk to’ a colleague, it can lead to a toxic and mentally unhealthy culture and the impacts can be costly.

A study, conducted by Headsup.org.au and TNS found that “one in five Australian employees report they have taken time off work due to feeling mentally unwell (stressed, anxious, depressed or mentally unhealthy) in the past 12 months.”

That’s not to say the time off work was caused by one person talking negatively about another, but it is worth considering. When there’s not constant, open, two-way dialogue and feedback, it’s easy for a team member to lose trust and start to question the motives of their colleagues.

The same study also found a reluctance among employees generally to disclose their experience of depression or anxiety to employers.

“35% of employees state they would not want anyone to know. This is even more evident among those who describe their workplace as mentally unhealthy. In mentally unhealthy workplaces, close to half of employees surveyed (46%) indicate they would not disclose if they were diagnosed with depression or anxiety.”

Breaking the Cycle

While I’m no expert on mental health, I do know the pain and anguish I went through as a kid and even still go through as an adult, worrying about what is being said about me when I’m not there. It’s torture.

We all deserve to feel psychologically safe in our workplace and it’s the responsibility of every single one of us to create and maintain that space.

If you have a problem or concern with a colleague, talk to them about it. When you approach the conversation with curiosity and compassion you might see another side to the story that you hadn’t even considered…and it might strengthen your relationship.

Finally, if you’re going to talk ‘about’ another person, make sure it’s for ecological reasons (e.g. to learn, to seek support, to get help in having the conversation) and not just to prop up your own ego.

We have to break the school yard habits and create mentally healthy working environments and one of the ways we can do this is to create a culture of open-dialogue and feedback.
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About the Author: Shelley Flett – Leadership Development Expert

Shelley Flett is an expert in leadership development and team performance. With over a decade of experience in customer service and operations across banking & telecommunications she is focused on maximising efficiency and building high performance team cultures. As author of books, The Direction Dilemma & The Dynamic Leader, Shelley works with leaders and teams across a variety of industries to break through their challenges and help them progress.

If you’d like to have a chat about how Shelley can support you please visit Shelly’s profile on Essemy.

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